Al Talasem - Ilia Abu-Mady

I love this poem soooooo much. Well I'm not THAT confused really, but I have beautiful memories with it. My friend and I liked it soo much when we were at school and we started a project of translating it into English when we were in preparatory stage (which of course didn't get completed since we were just kids :P but yakfiena sharaf al mo7awla :D). Also there's a part where he starts talking about the sea, and you can always win me by mentioning my beloved sea anywhere ;)

This is only a small part of the poem which I found online, tasbiera keda till I look for the book I have somewhere over here.

جـِئـت لا أعـلم مـِن أيـن، و لكـنى أتـيـتُ
و لـقد أبــصرت قـُدامى طريقـاً فمـشـيت
و سـأبقـى ماشيـاً إن شِـئـْتُ هذا أم أَبـَيْتُ
كــيف جـِئـت ؟ كـيـف أبصـرت طريـقى
لسـت أدرى !
* * *
أجَـديــدٌ أم قـديـمٌ أنا فـى هــذا الـوجــود
هـل أنا حــرٌ طـليـقٌ أم أسـيـرٌ فى قيـود
هل أنا قائد نفسى فى حياتى أم أنا مـَقود
أتـمنـى أننــى أدرى و لكــن . . . . . .
لسـت أدرى !
* * *
و طريقى، ما طريقى؟ أطويل أم قصير؟
هـل أنا أصــعد أم أهـبـط فـيــه و أغــور
أأنـا السـائـر فى الـدرب أم الـدرب يسير
أم كـلانــا واقــف و الــدهــر يـجــرى
لسـت أدرى !
* * *
ليت شعرى و أنا فى عَالـَمِ الغيب الأمين
أتـــُرانــى كــنـت أدرى أنــنى فـيه دفيـن
و بـأنــِّى سوف أبــدو و بـأنــِّى سـأكـون
أم تـــُرانـى كـــنــت لا أدرى شــيــئــاً ؟
لسـت أدرى !
* * *
أتــُرانـى قـبـلمـا أصـبحت إنسانــاً سويــا
أتــُرانـى كنت محواً أم تـُرانى كنت شيـَّا
ألِــهـذا اللــُّغز حـَلٌّ أم ســيــبــقى أبــديــا
لسـت أدرى . . . . و لِماذا لسـت أدرى
لسـت أدرى !

Pink or Blue?! Warm or Cold?! What's with all the contradictions?!

I sat be the dazzling turquise-blue sea holding a beautiful pink flower. I couldn't take my eyes off the beauty of that flower and I thought to myself: "Isn't pink just the most beautiful color in the world?! So warm, so full of emotions..". Then it struck me how I'd considered blue to be my favorite color for some years now, especially the blue of the sea and swimming pool water. I love it so much because it signifies purity to me (beside my natural attachment to the water), yet I also recall that when asked once I said I love it because it's a cold color! Now what?! Another contradiction coming out to the surface right before my eyes.. I mean, let alone the fact that I'm unable to stick to a favorite color, the problem lies in the justification for choosing those colors.. I love pink so much because it's a warm color, yet I love blue so much also, but because it's a cold color!! Which one of these is the real me? Which is the default and which is the exception? How are things truely inside? Is it originally warm inside and it was me who was trying to make it colder (or make it seem colder to me and to everyone else). Or is it naturally cold inside but it's getting warmer under special circumstances?! I feel that neither of these are quite true. I feel I have them both inside, both are very intense, both at such extremes, but each gets triggers by certain situations. I'm finding it hard to deal with those extremes inside, i mean people tell me I sound like I'm 200% Feeling at times while at others I sound like I'm 200% Thinking and it confuses them so much! If it's so difficult for me to understand myself, then how am I expecting any other person to understand me?!!

I took one look at the flower and another at the sea, may be I was trying to make a comparison and decide once and for all which color I like better, yet the sight of the blue sea as the background for the pink flower bedazzled me!! The two of them looked amazing together. The contrast between them brought out something new in both of them and gave extra beauty for both. Each of them livened up the other! It got me thinking.. may be I should just accept having both sides inside and consider them an enriching combination instead of struggling contradictions? May be I should make a peace treaty for all the different sides in me. It sounds like a good idea, but still the same problem persists; how are people supposed to know who they are dealing with? It makes me so unpredictable, too hard to understand..

Where I Stand Today

A thought that sounds quite normal, but it had been puzzling and scaring me for a while; how where I stand now is a result of the accumulation of so many decision and choices, either taken by my parents or taken by me at an earlier stage. I’ll leave my parents aside as they seem pretty sane to me, I really love their wisdom, and I’ll talk about the decisions taken by my humble self. It just sounds weird to me how the 22 years old girl that I am now has been so much affected by the decisions taken by the 6 years old girl that was here 16 years ago. It starts at 6 and goes all the way up till 22. Decisions and choices at the age of 6 or 7, 12 or 13, 15 or 16 that are still playing a major role in my life till this moment and probably will stay in effect until the day I die. Truely isn't that a wonder? I mean, would you let a six years old kid take decisions for you that could affect your life so greatly?! Leaving the six years old kid alone and looking at the 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 years old people that have been passing by me lately. Although the dates might seem close, yet I feel there's a difference between who I am now and who I was a couple of years ago. It feels like I've been learning at an exponential rate since the day I came to college. It strikes me how I should be bound by the decisions taken by a person that I now regard as having been so immature. There were decisions that could be changed, they left some bruises but I learned my lessons. But there were others that just couldn't be, and once you made a choice, it's too late to get back to it and change it.
Although I sound so confused and all I still don't think the decisions I've been making so far are too bad, at the opposite I think I've done kinda well so far, except in some situations.. (well I'm going through a self-acceptance day today if u know what I mean :P). Anyways.. what's worrying me now is not the past in connection with the present, but the present in connection with the future. I'm afraid I'd look back when I'm at the age of forty and think to myself.. "What has that stupid immature 22 years old girl done to me!!". I'm afraid of taking any decisions now 'cos any decisions at this stage will have way too deeper marks than any others I'd taken in my life. I'm afraid of messing up, of screwing up my life for me. Yet I'm afraid of the fears that I have, scared they'll do nothing but tie me down, not letting me experience anything. I'm dreaming of being able to create some restoration points in one's life, which get created whenever you're about to take any major decisions, and which you can rollcack to anytime you like, undoing all the negative effects, yet keeping all the lessons learned and the experience gained. Of course I don't wanna get started in talking about all the minor choices we take, not knowing they could have a huuge effect on our lives, you gotta watch the movies "Sliding Doors" and "Butterfly Effect" to know what I mean.

Bitter Sweet Symphony

It was the first time for me to be be with them yesterday and attend a gathering after what had happened. I was kept away for a long time, to be able to concentrate on the studying and the project, and all that stuff that seems so meaningless in comparison. Till now I wasn't able to understand. Till now I haven't fully absorbed it and can't believe it is for real. But it felt so real yesterday. We were all there except for her. You get to see the missing part of the picture when all the other parts are there, it's close to completion, close to perfection, yet there's this large part missing.. and such a precious part it is.. so sweet and special.. but she wasn't there anymore and there's no way we could have her back. It all felt so weird. Almost like a bitter sweet symphony. It's amazing how such tiny creatures can bring the smile to the saddest hearts, and break the deepest silence, yet not even all the smiles in the world can take that pain away, nothing could cure the heart of someone who had suffered such a loss.. A part of us was just not there.. A part so precious and close to everybody's heart.. and we knew we could never get her back..

The Curtain

Somehow I had to get up.. Somehow I had to get going.. I didn't get the chance to understand.. to absorb what happened.. to accept is as a fact we all have to live with.. I didn't get the chance to provide the support I could offer. I needed that so much, may be more than the ones that were to receive it. I really needed to be there.. badly.. but that just wasn't possible..

But none of that actually happened.. I realized that responsibilities don't magically take care of themselves.. I guess that was the easy wasy out that I chose and that everyone else chose for me.. The practical way.. Getting back to that numb everyday life of mine.. Doing the things I should be doing; studying, projects, exams.. all the meaningless stuff.. The curtain was drawn in my head to let me to go on.. It doesn't feel right.. Practically speaking I supposedly did the right thing, yet a faint voice in my heart is telling me something just doesn't feel right..

Thinking out of the Box?!

I hear and say that expression a lot, yet I was wondering what is that box that we encourage thingking out of it. At first glance it came to me that may be it's reality that you need to think outside its bounds in order to be able to ocme up with creative ideas? Yet I think again and find that any idea or solution will have to be carried out in the reality we all live in. May be it's just the constraints that we should avoid thinking of in the early stages? You just let your mind wander, no constraints.. no limits.. no boundaries.. no borders should ever exist in 'ideas land'! The filteration to see the more suitable ideas should come at a much later stage. They shouldn't come early or else they will kill the idea when it's still a newly born, too weak and fragile to stand up for judgement and criticism. Another thought that came to my mind is that may be that box is traditions, ad that thinking inside that box would mean you are entrapped in traditional thinking. Those packages of canned ideas they impose on us and throw in our heads since our childhood, powerfully limiting our imagination and creativity and limiting our capabilities of analysis and coming up with our own conclusions and resolutions. They are too scared of the last part specifically. We are supposed to adopt the exact same ideas, the very same pattern of thinking as they are considered tried and true. They are considered the safest way to go, yet it results in the sedentary life that's freezing the minds of all of us, not giving us room for experience and self-development.

Too Scientific For Me

I don't like to too scientific, too rational approach for explaining everything inside us and everything around us. Regarding the human understanding as a process carried out by the brain, which in turn is nothing more than a collection of nerve cells emitting and receiving chemicals and electric signals, not to mention of course considering the heart as nothing more than a blood pump. It also follows that love is caused by nothing more than high concentrations of some chemicals in the brain, and the mother's feeling her kid might be in danger is caused by the flow of some electromagnetic waves. Of course none of these is very accurate, but just examples I could vaguely recall and 'cos I have a bad memory. But that's just the idea. We, humans don't like it when there are things that we don't fully understand. We do our best to explain everything according to our own logic, which is naturally limited, since we are God's creations, a subset of a whole, and there's no guarantee our logic and ration is mature enough to understand the whole. There is nothing wrong with trying of course, but sometimes in our attempt to understand some things we simplify them to a degradatory extent. We rid the deepest and most meaningful things in our lives into mere scientific facts and processes. Still I'm not against science for sure. It's just that I don't feel comfortable with the too scientific too practical aproach. Sometimes I feel that things lose their magic when we try to give them logical or scientific explanations. May be I just love undisclosed mysteries?!

Constructive and Destructive Energies

Some colors are considered additive, while others are considered subtractive. Put Red, Green and Blue together and they give you white, the color of Purity, while if you put Cyan, Magenta and Yellow together, they give you black, the color of darkness. I am not sure what the explanation could be behind that, but I guess the aswer could lie in the energies asociated with each color.
Somehow I guess there might be a similar phenomenon in people. Some people can add to you energy, while others subtract from it. Some can get out the best in you, whle others can bering out the worst. Likewise, you can be the reason for bringing out the best in people or the worst in them. In both cases you are exactly the same person, the same mentality and the same character, yet there is a difference that you can't see, but can feel. May be some people's energies when combined together can have a constructive positive effect, leading to increased positive enerrgy for all those involved, while another combination of people's energies could have a destructive impact on each other, subtracting from each others' energies resulting in the generation of negative energy for all!!
I know I'm sounding weird and all. I dunno why that energies stories popped to my head all of a sudden and I thought of publishing it although I know it might not make much sense.
Anyways.. I guess the conclusion I draw from those confusing thoughts in my head, and which is more likely to be human readable and understandable is that the story is all about mixing and matching. It's not only about being who you are and being able to increase your own positive energy, but also you need to be with the people for whom you energy can have a constructive effect and who you can help get the best in them and who can add up to your own energy and help get the best in you.

Me and My Assumptions

I used to make some assumptions when I saw how people reacted to some situations and think to myself I can never react that way, but lately I've been growing too cautious to make such assumptions.. I started believing that to make an assumption of how you'll act in a certain situation requires a full understanding of yourself, a full understanding of the situation and complete awareness of what state of mind and heart it could get you in and what kind of disturbance and confusion such a situation it could induce inside of you. And since NONE of the above conditions is achievable, I learned it'd be wiser to stop making those assumptions and judgements..

Bridging the gap.. Filling the void..

I feel there are many gaps in my life! There is this gap between who I truely am and who I think I am, another between who I think I am and who people think I am.. and a third between all these and who I actually want to be.. Just before I start sounding like a depressed psycho :P these gaps exist inside each and everyone of us, at times you get to see them, while at others you're just too busy to, but since I'm currently in a soul-searching stage, they are appearing so obvious to me.. I know I can't totally eliminate them, but I'm just wishing to slightly bridge the gaps and make them smaller..

No Choice..

I hate it when I feel I don't have a choice.. I feel so entrapped.. so captivated.. and I just HATE it!

Songwords snippets that catch my ears

Since I'm staying in the North Coast these days with nothing to do, I started to listen to some of the old cassette tapes I've had for years and I thought of extracting some snippets that catch my ears. I will be adding to this post as I find more.

".. And we cry.. those tears of Pearls.. All these mixed emotions we keep.. locked away like stolen pearls.. Stolen Pearl devotions that we.. keep away from all the world.."-Tears of Pearls, Savage Garden.

".. Looking out to the sea.. for a wave to carry all my fantasies.. " Adapted from a Savage Garden song mosh fakra esmaha :D

"Don't turn away.. don't give up to the pain.. don't try to hide.. though they're screaming your name.. don't close your eyes.. God knows what lies behind them.. don't turn out the light.. Never Sleep Never Die!"-Evanescence

"I'm frightened by what I see.. but somehow I know there's much more to come.. Immobilized by my fear and soon to be blinded by tears."-Evanescence

"I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away.. IF I will it all away..."-Evanescence

I tried to pick my fave parts from Imaginary, Whisper and Bring me to Life but it was too tough since they'r more than lovely.. esp. Bring me to Life.. I consider it my National Anthem :D

My newly found writing obsession!

I got a newly found obsession with writing these days. I started writing about almost anything and everything going on in my head! I always have too much going on over there, so many internal discussions and conflicts which keeps my mind working and working; processinginformation and trying to find answers for questions that are too hard to answer, or that I'd better not know the answe to in the first place. I started feeling that once I lay those thoughts and questions out into paper or to the blog it takes such a load off my chest and frees some space inside my exhausted head, which relieves me somehow.

Use Cases for my life!

The idea was sparked by yesterday's exam question asking about Use Cases, to which I gave an informal reply saying they are like written stories or scenarios of interaction between the user and the system, where we have a happy path of events, where all the desirable events occur and everything goes nice and smooth, and other alternative events, where something goes wrong and you mention how they should be handled.

The idea jumped to my head to try writing some use cases for scenarios that could happen in my life; mentioning the happy path and the alternatives. Yet I find it too tricky... I can't seem to figure out what I really want. Even the things I might vaguely think I'd want, I'm not sure if they'd really make me happy or not. You never really know what's truely good for you and what's truely bad.. not to mention being in the state of confusion I'm currently in, you know, a 22 yrs old not knowing what to do with her life.

Anyways.. I don't seem to give up on the idea of use cases :P I think it might help me see at least what I guess I want and get out my inner fears in the alternative paths section. I might even look at it a couple of years later and laugh :) Yet that takes me to the question of whether I should have all that published over here or not, I'm not sure if it's safe to let out my dreams and fears out keda in the public (Shell ba2a we 7agat keda) :P But I'll see what I think about that once I get them written.

I'm gonna be spending like 10 days keda ISA in the north coast, ha33od akteb ba2a use cases bera7ty wa3mel analysis we heessa :D If I got some decent, not sounding too psychotic output I might think about writing it here :P

Sailing inside myself

Again again and again...
Still confused..
Still looking for an answer..
I thought I found it already..
I could see it in front of my eyes..
Just as I was trying to hold it, it slipped away..
With no trace for it anymore..
And they mystery lingers on..

I thought I found my true self..
It was hidden deep down inside, dreaming of coming out..
Although she came out for a sad reason, I was glad I got to meet her at the end..
The walls of the shell were starting to get thinner and thinner..
They even started becoming transparent to my eyes..
Just as I was about to embrace that newly found self..
Just as I was about to celebrate my newly discovered identity..
It all disappeared..
The shell started closing again..
Its walls got thicker and thicker..
The new self was begging me to hold on to her..
Was begging me to save her from the dungeon she'd been locked up in..
But I just wasn't able to..
I could see her falling back..
Falling into the sad silence..
Falling into the cruel darkness..

I can't see her anymore..
I can't even hear her voice..
I wonder if she's still there..
I wonder if she was ever there..
Was it for real or was it just a dream?..
Or may be just a mirage, trying to escape to it from the cold reality..

I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again..
I wonder if I'll ever get in touch with my core?..
Or was it just a one time chance that I failed to cling to..
Will the walls ever get thinner again?..
Will the shell ever get opened again?..
If so, would it be due to happiness or sadness?..
Which of them would be what reminds me I do have a heart?..

Would she get truely saved next time?..
Or would I fail again?..
Or won't I see her ever again?..
Would I spend the rest of my life feeling that numb?..
Was her fragile faint voice silenced forever?..
Would the walls only build up even more?..
Blinding me from seeing who I am.. forever?..

I hope not.. I hope I start feeling her existence again. Somehow I know she does, afterall, I couldn't have imagined all that.. Besides.. all the tears I've been shedding the past hour while writing this are telling me there still is a chance after all.. Got nothing but the hope this is for real..

Yoga :D

I bought a book about Yoga a few days ago and I started practicing a little today :D
I LOVED it :D really really really... I only tried some very basic simple positions and moves but it felt great. It filled me with so much energy and inner peace :) I hope I manage to make it a daily habit

WF 3: The Romeo and Juliet Myth!

A question was posted on the forums asking whether people think that Romeo was a fool and Juliet an idiot, whether such a love story could really exist or not and that was my shocking reply :D (well I guess I was 200% thinking when I made that post, I do agree with that opinion 100% still, yet I find the way I expressed it just too weird!

"I know this might seem strange but I dunno why I just can't swallow the Romeo and Juliet love story. I usually don't believe in love at first sight, that's number 1. Not to mention that Romeo was going to that party in the first place to forget about his 'love' for some other girl that kaanet mosh me3abbaraah. Da 7etta the priest alha kelma 7ekma (can't remember the exact words 'cos i haven't read it 4 so long) anyways i think he told Romeo when he told him about his sudden love 4 Juliet that the love of young ppl lies in their eyes these days not in their hearts (it was said in the movie, okay? :P) I think may be it was just infatuation or lust. And about that strong window conversation they had I think it was THAT strong mainly 'cos it's written by Shakespeare, but I don't believe that ppl seeing each other for the 1st time and know nothing about each other can be truely that much in love. Okay the strong kind of love where a person would die 4 the one he/she loves can exist 4 sure, and from both sides not just the girl's, but there's no way it'd happen from the 1st time he sees her in a party, without knowing anything about her personality or the way she thinks. I also think that if they hadn't died so early they might've discovered they don't love each other that much after all and might've ended up woth a divorce or something So YES I believe both of them were such fools Shocking opinion, isn't it? (but i still love that drama anyways :P)"

WF 2: Things to do in exams that don't matter!

Another post I found in a forum. Reminds me of certain 745678 exams we took today :D and the TAHYIESS stage we reached ;)

Oh btw one of the ideas is to bring a water pistol to the exam ;) Enough said!!! :D

And here goes the post:

Found ths quite funny and though i'd share it with u all. But take care not to try doing any of them, okay? :P
THING TO DO AT AN EXAM THAT DOES NOT MATTER (I.E. YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAY):
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “Oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!”
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking.“ Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: “I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.” Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country,” and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc.).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera” until they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!”

Bring a water pistol with you....enough said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy!. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious, like history notes for a calculus exam, otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Undergraduate Code of Student Conduct with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so.”

Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”

Written Flashbacks 1: The Shell is the answer..

I decided to go through some posts I'd written almost two years ago in some forums. I felt I wanted to take a look at myself two years ago and compare her to the current person that I am. I also felt that there were those pieces of me scattered here and there (my thoughts ya3ny :P) and I kinda wanted to get in contact with them, and may be gather them in one place.

I found this piece of writing, an extract of a much longer post that dates back to 27th of July 2003. It had that same sense of confusion that I still have till now, but it was way more back then as it seems. This gave me a sense of satisfaction (almost). Although I haven't completely found myself, still haven't resolved the inner contradictions, but I feel things have got better.

Here's that piece of writing:

"I guess I need to take some time to try to search within my soul to realize who I am to start with. Sometimes I feel I'm strong in a good way that'd protect me from getting hurt, other times I feel I'm just 'too' strong to an annoying extent. Sometimes I feel I'm so cold and heartless, but then I get confused when I shed a river of tears for ANYTHING.. when I listen to a sad song, watch a sad scene in a movie or listen to another person's problem. I know I sound like a psycho already. I guess I've got a gr8 deal of soul searching to do but I dunno where or how to start…"

Well the answer I'd give me now, two years later lies completely in that newly found concept.. the Shell... that layer that shields the extra sensitive core against the external world... with all its pros and cons that can take me ages to talk about. I guess this should be my starting point now... learning more about the shell, how to handle it, whether I should keep it or not, is it even possible to get out of it and free myself completely or would that mean death out of pain for the extra sensitive unprotected fragile creature inside.. I wonder!

Where Is The Love? Lyrics

I love this song soo much. It just says a lot.. and goes with my last post :P (but in the general sense ya3ny)

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how a n**** works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all
People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love
It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all
People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinemaYo',
whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound
People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

Confessions!!

I hereby confess that I am unrealistically.. unrealistic, that I'm foolishly dreamy in spite of how practical I might seem, that I find it so hard to face reality, so sometimes I just prefer living inside the dreams, those dreams in my head.
Dreaming of a Utopia, of a perfect world where eveyone is just so pure, where people keep their innocence, where everyone loves everybody around him no matter what, regardless of whatever differences that might exist; in ideas, beliefs, colors, nations or religions, or.. or.. whatever it could be, it wouldn't matter. I dream of having that kind of love eveywhere, just loving thy brothers and sisters that simple pure love, not waiting for anything to come out of it and just having it there unconditionally, truely caring for them and wishing them all the best of the best.
The only problem that exists is that the Utopia never existed and can never exist; except inside one's head. It is way too unrealistic to even imagine it happening because we live in a world of humans not angels. Although I am fully aware of that fact I never stop dreaming of it, just closing my eyes and imagining it happening. What's worse is that I actually get hurt whenever I get to face the real situation. Whenever I get faced by any person's negativity. Someone told me once she finds me really weird, because I never get upset due to the things that get most people upset, yet I get deeply hurt, upset and offended at the strangest things; referring to a situation where a group of people were spoken of negatively, although they were not my friends and that I have nothing to do with any of them, yet that got me really upset, in contrast to not even minding, or forgiving too easily for other things that people make such a big fuss about.
Sometimes I just feel I am too weak to face the cruel reality, that's why I just keep myself inside my shell and wear my mask. I give everything and everyone a rosy color in my eyes and see the best in people. Sometimes I even prefer to stay at a distance from people, to prevent myself from seeing their flaws to be able to keep my pure love for them inside my heart. In spite of the advantages of that approach; being able to love everyone around me and keeping my emotional energy quite high, yet it has tremendous drawbacks; basically I keep myself isolated inside my shell, I rarely try to get close to people in fear of getting hurt by them. Strangely enough here, that 'hurt' is not caused by the normal things like ill treatment or not caring.. or.. or, but caused by getting faced by their negativity. I get offended when I see somebody's negativity towards someone I don't know, hurt when I see somebody's negativity towards a friend, so it's for you to imagine how it feels to see somebody's negativity towards me. It just passes the natural limits of hurt, it's like taking a knife and stabbing my heart with it, cutting through with it to the deepest levels and tearing it apart. That's why I hate confrontations so much, probably I'm just too weak for them.
So what am I to do now? I just have no clue! Being on the doorsteps of stepping out of 'fantasy island' where there was actually a chance of finding pure people, and a chance that the rosy image inside my head of some people is not too far from the truth. I am about to go into the real world. Keeping that same attitude could get me fooled a thousand times, hurt even more and might just lead me to my doom.. yet I'm just.. clueless!

7 Secrets of High-Energy People

I found this article on MSN and thought I'd publish it here. It goes as follows:

"The single biggest difference between people who get what they want and people who don't is energy," says Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston. In this excerpt from her new book, The Emotional Energy Factor, she explains how to harness it so you can live the life of your dreams.
Emotional Energy
There's an energy crisis in America, and it has nothing to do with fossil fuels. Millions of us get up each morning already weary over what the day holds. "I just can't get started," people say. Or, "I feel drained just thinking about the long hours ahead." But it's not physical energy that most of us lack. Sure, we could all use extra sleep and a better diet. But in truth, people are healthier today than at any time in history. I can almost guarantee that if you long for more energy, the problem is not with your body. What you're seeking is not the adrenaline-filled, bounce-off-the-walls kind of energy. It's emotional energy. It's an aliveness of the mind and spirit that connects you to the vitality and fun of life. Yet, sad to say, life sometimes seems designed to exhaust our supply. We work too hard. We have family obligations. We encounter emergencies and personal crises. No wonder so many of us suffer from emotional fatigue, a kind of utter exhaustion of the spirit, a sense that we're just going through the motions.

And yet we all know people who are filled with exuberance and joy, despite the sometimes grim external circumstances of their lives. Even as a child, I observed people who were dirt-poor or disabled or whose physical energy had been sapped by disease, but who nonetheless faced life with optimism and vigor. Consider Laura Hillenbrand, who, despite having been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, wrote the best-selling book Seabiscuit, about a horse who becomes an unlikely champion. Hillenbrand barely had enough physical energy to drag herself out of bed to write. But she was fueled by having a story she cared about and wanted to share. Or think of the painter Frida Kahlo, who endured excruciating pain her entire adult life, yet produced vibrant, deeply felt canvases.
Emotional energy came to the rescue. The best news? Unlike physical energy, which is finite and diminishes with age, emotional energy is unlimited and has nothing to do with genes or upbringing. So how do you get it? You can't simply tell yourself to be positive. You must take action. Here are seven practical strategies that work.
Simple Strategies
1. Do something genuinely new.
Very little that's new occurs in our lives. The impact of this sameness on our emotional energy is gradual, but huge: It's like a tire with a slow leak. You don't notice it at first, but eventually you'll get a flat. It's up to you to plug the leak -- even though there are always a dozen reasons to stay stuck in your rut. That's where Maura, 36, a waitress and would-be caterer, found herself a year ago.
Fortunately, Maura had a lifeline -- a group of women friends who meet regularly to discuss their lives "like on Sex and the City," she says, "but without the sex, the city and the gorgeous clothes!" The women's lively discussions about how to shake up their lives spurred Maura to make small but nevertheless life-altering changes. She joined a gym in the next town. She took up yoga. She changed her look with a short haircut and new black T-shirts. Eventually, Maura gathered the courage to quit her job and devote herself full time to her fledgling catering business.
Here's a challenge: If it's something you wouldn't ordinarily do, do it. Try a cuisine you've never eaten. Drive home via a different, scenic route. Listen to music you'd ordinarily tune out. You'll discover that small gestures pack a powerful emotional energy punch.
2. Reclaim life's meaning.
So many of the patients in my psychotherapy practice tell me that their lives used to have meaning, but that somewhere along the line things went stale. The foundation is there, but the urgency is missing.
The first step in solving this meaning shortage is to figure out what you really care about, then do something about it. That's what meaning is: a heartfelt concern that is woven into your everyday life. A case in point is Ivy, 57, a pioneer in investment banking. "I mistakenly believed that all the money I made would mean something," she says. "But I feel rudderless, like a 22-year-old wondering what to do with her life." Ivy's solution? She started a program that shows Wall Streeters how to donate time and money to underprivileged children. In the process, Ivy infused meaning into her own life.
3. Put yourself in the fun zone.
Most of us grown-ups are seriously fun-deprived, and it shows in our flagging energy levels. High-energy people have the same day-to-day grinds as the rest of us, but they manage to find something enjoyable in every situation. A real-estate broker I know, whose work load is enormous, keeps herself amused -- and energized -- on the job by mentally redecorating the houses she shows to clients. "I love imagining what even the most dilapidated fixer-upper could look like with a little TLC," she says. "It's a challenge -- and the least desirable properties are usually the most fun."
We all define fun differently, of course, but I can vouch for this: If you lighten up and inject just a bit of it into your day, your energy will zoom.
4. Bid farewell to guilt and regret.
Everyone's past is filled with regrets, mistakes, and missed opportunities that still cause pain. These feelings are an index of our humanity, evidence that we have a heart and a conscience. But from an emotional energy point of view, they are deadweights that keep us from moving forward. While they can't merely be willed away, I do recommend you give yourself a good talking-to. Remind yourself that everyone has negative experiences. But whatever happened is in the past, and nothing can change that. Holding on to the memory only allows the damage to continue into the present.
5. Keep your flywheel spinning.
People always talk about finding a passion, but something that exalted can end up being more draining than energizing. That's why I talk about flywheels, mechanical devices that store energy, then give it back to you as needed. High-energy people always have a flywheel -- an interest they connect with, no matter how eccentric. For Leslie, 29, that flywheel is collecting antique recipes. She loves to browse secondhand bookstores for old cookbooks. "I feel like an archaeologist who finds a rare dinosaur bone, only I bring the dinosaur back to life," she says.
If you don't have a flywheel, find one. Anything fun and absorbing will do, from bike riding to gardening. Anticipating the activity can get you up in the morning and get you through an otherwise blah day.
6. Make up your mind.
Say you've been thinking about cutting your hair short. Will it look stylish -- or too extreme? You endlessly mull it over, debate the matter with friends. Having the decision hanging over your head is a huge energy drain. High-energy people make a choice and don't look back. The emotionally exhausted stay stuck, forever vacillating. Every time you can't decide, you burden yourself with alternatives. How to break the impasse? Quit thinking that you have to make the right decision; instead, make a good-enough decision. Any decision. Decide what you're going to eat tonight. Then decide about the haircut. That will get you in the ballpark of deciding about your future. In emotional energy land, what matters is ending your ambivalence.
7. Give to get.
Emotional energy has a kind of magical quality: The more you give, the more you get back. This underscores the fundamental difference between emotional energy and physical energy. With the latter, you have to get it to be able to give it. With emotional energy, however, you get it by giving it.
But you have to take specific action. Start by asking everyone you meet, "How are you?" as if you really want to know, then listen to the reply. Be the one who hears. Most of us also need to smile more often. If you don't smile at the person you love first thing in the morning, you're sucking energy out of your relationship. Finally, help another person -- and make the help real, concrete. Give a massage to someone you love, run an errand for him, or cook her dinner. Then, expand the circle to work. Try going through an entire day asking yourself what you'd do if your goal were to be helpful rather than efficient.
After all, if it's true that what goes around comes around, why not make sure that what's circulating around you is the good stuff?
From the book, The Emotional Energy Factor: The Secrets High-Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue. Copyright 2003 by Mira Kirshenbaum. Published by arrangement with the Bantam Dell Publishing Group.

Feng Shui!! :D

Yesterday I read some parts of a book I'd bought from the book fair. It talks about something called Feng Shui, which is some classical chinese method of setting things in appropriate ordering to allow positive energy to flow. Feng means wind and Shui means water. Water is the
element of nature that can not be held while wind is an element that can not be seen. The combination of the two in the Feng Shui name points out that it deals with the invisible forces in people's lives and shows how mysterious that Feng Shui is. Indeed I found it mysterious, yet amusing at the same time. I love ancient eastern civilizations (the chinese and Indian on top of the list). I believe those ppl had soo much wisdom that we nowadays lack. I love reading books about such stuff, those talking about invisible forces and spirituals. It kinda takes me away from the materialistic world we'r living in these days. Back to Feng Shui now; they say that having
'karakieb' at home can be a reason for blocking energy from flowing there. It says that when you keep them they kinda tie you down. Having too many things kept from the past could block new things from coming your way since there is not enough room for them. According to the book
there are areas in the house related to knwoledge, wisdom and self improvement, another for work and career, a third for friends and kindness, a fourth for creativity, a fifth for health and harmony, a sixth for the family and society, a seventh for love and marriage, an eigth for fame and reputation and a ninth for money and fortune. Having 'karakieb' in the part of the house that happens to be related to creativity for example can block positive energy from flowing in that aspect of your life. As weird as all that sounds, the book gives examples of cases where the author gave consultancy for ppl to improve things in their lives by reordering things in their lives. The thing sounded really weird, but it actually got me convinced to start cleaning the room :D I went straight to my drawers; threw away like quarter of the make-up stuff there :D I really wondered why I'm keeping all these colors I don't like, all the broken lipsticks, all the dry
nail polish!! Not to mention of course all the broken accessories. What came next was the remains of my teenage years obsessions with the Backstreet boys :D OMG all these pics for BSB and Nick Carter!! I wonder why I kep them although I'm over that stage now (I guess it's a
case of clinging to the past, those sweet days of thanaweyya amma). Everyhting went straight to the rubbish bin with a biig smiile..!!

Sho3our El Battie7'a!!! (A):D

You know how it feels to be a battie7'a? :P If unfamiliar with the expression, it means.. being ortaas ya3ny :D
I've been put through more than a situation lately where I felt battie7'a 3al 2a7'er. Although enny el mafroud.. el mafrouuuud ya3ny.. mosh 3abieta wala 7aaga :P and that el mafrouud bardo that I'm intuitive and that I have a generally good judgement of people, yet all that didn't keep me from falling into the battie7'a trap!!

To Asmaa Ismail

Where do I start? It's really hard to find the words to tell you 'cos you're such a special person. You're one of the kindest hearted people I ever met in my whole life, one of the purest, the most innocent ones. I look back and see us, almost 17 years ago (yeah long long time :) , two little kids in KG, and I see you're that same sweet girl I knew back then, that same white heart, that preserved its purity throughout the years. You are more than a sister to me. I guess if I had a sister by birth she wouldn't love me and care for me as much as you do, and neither would I. I wanted to write you a thank you word, but that was just too tricky 'cos there's just soo much I'd want to thank you for, but to almost sum it, I wanna thank you for being who you are. I pray from all my heart to ALLAH to bless you with all what your heart desires. I hope we stay sisters forever ISA :)

Reserved Place

There is a post I should naturally be making now, but it's just not coming out right. There are people that have always been so special to me and so close to my heart. I used to think it didn't sound right to give a goodbye word to them since as I saw that our friendship wasn't just bound to college, yet strangely enough the message was understood in a completely different way, in the same track of misunderstanding and misenterpreting everything I said or done for the whole past month. I didn't want or even imagine I'd be sitting here writing this, but I was being pushed and pushed for the longest time. Since, against to some people's idea of me, neither am I a wall, nor am I made of stone, so all the pushing actually has made its negative impact on me, leaving scars and bruises. I really pray I do get healed, and that I get healed soon enough before I become the cause of hurting others.

Just came from the PROM

I just came from the prom and I just feel so weird!!! On the last exam day there was no point in a goodbye, not to mention a teary one since we were guaranteed to meet again during the seminars. The same went for the seminars as there was that other prom, the same went for that prom as there was still today's prom... But today.. it was like.. here we come to the end of the trip. The train has come to its final destination and all passangers should get off and go their own ways, not knowing what happens next, not knowing whether they'll meet again or will life take them to different far away directions.
It feels like I'm being detached and separated from something I was part of. Although I didn't get the chance to know many ppl from our dof3a, yet.. I felt we were all connected, but now that thread that was binding us all together was being cut.
I didn't get the chance to give enough goodbyes 'cos we were in a hurry, so I wanna tell some of the people a few messages keda..

First to HOSSAM :D
MABROUUUK!!!!! You can't imagine how happy the news of ur upcoming engagement made me :) I pray from all my heart for both of you to have sooo much happiness together ISA. I gotta tell you how ur dreamy, love-packed nicknames made my day more than once; it was such a hard time 4 me this semester, I was going through a LOT, but there you came with these nicknames el ray2a :P You know, seeing that kind of love was like seeing a beautiful rose blossoming in the midst of all the hard times. So take care of your rose of love ;) cherish it, help it grow and florish, take care of you sweet sweet girl ;) and may ALLAH give you all the happiness in the world ISA :D (and liek za3'routa 3andy, emta we feen wezzaay ma3rafshy, bass howwa keda :P)


To MONMONA
hatew7ashieeeny yaaaaa.. Monmon ;) balash alkaab ba2a 3eeb e7na fel blog we keda :P
It was really great to get to know such a sweet girl like you, it took me some time, but I guess I'm always slow :P I wish you sooo much happiness, wish you all the success in the world ISA as a 'mo3eeeeeeeedaaaaaaaaa' ;) :P (Rabbena yostorrrr wel 3eyaal ma yaklokieeeesh :P) la2 seriously, I know you'r gonna be such a gr8 one ISA :) Those students r gonna be very lucky to have u there ;) mayemna3shy taba3an ennek hatlaa2y hogoum 3aleeky men nas so7abna (A) belza7'ieera el 7ayya (ana 7'allast mar7alet the water guns and ISA habtedy RASHASHAAAT). Ha2lebhaalek salata ya3ny men el aa7'er :D 7awly maydabbessoukiesh in teaching electronics or logic 3ashan keda yeb2a hate7sal mosieeba.. (maas we 7ariee2a wellazy menno :P). Mosh messadda2a taba3an I finished my word 4 u without mentioning any of ur.. nicknames :P.. mayenfa3shy aslan.. so here we go: ya Monmon ya 3abieeetaaaa, ya bar2ouuu2aaaa :D ya.. Minnie ;) ya ZA3rOuRaaaaaaaa :PPPPPPPPPP
3ala fekra ya Monmon enty mosh 3abieta wala 7aga :P 7a2ie2y ana we shedid we 7ossam we dido.. and.. and.. the whole dof3a ta2rieban bet2ollek keda.. bass siebek enty.. e7na benharrag ma3aaky ;) *te2dary tessammieha "Conspiracy Theory" :P

To RYU
OOkaay :P Although some ppl might find you from the nominees for the most "Tanfeed" title, I know it isn't really true, it's not what really exists there at your core. I wanna thank you so much for your support for me this semester, it was such a hard time for me (I know I'm repeating myself, but indeed it WAS). You were one of the gr8 people that helped me get up on my feet again and get going. I wish you all the best in your life. I hope you achieve all what you want on the personal level; equilibrium in all aspects, Yin Yang Balance, finding the path and knowing it is the right one and discovering your true mission in life. I really wish you all the success in the career that you choose and find yourself in. I hope you do get.. 'unleashed' and make use of your full power and potentials. I hope the lone dragon either becomes lone no more or if you want to keep the title, you lose the sense of melancholy associated to it :) and as you always say, hope 4 the best ;)

To RAIN
You're such a sweet sweet person hidden under the INTJ mask and the reserved layer :) :P I'm so glad you started letting that feeling side of you out (Long live ur Pisces side ;) I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you stay in touch with your feeling side and not let it get swept into the shadow by your thinking side. I want you to take care of your LEO side and be careful it doesn't ruin things (we both know about how that LEO inside acts and its ability to destroy the most beautiful things :S)

The First Real Post

In spite of having started this blog like a couple of months ago, I didn't really get the urge to write anything, or may be I didn't get the time. I'm not sure which of them is the reason, but what I'm sure of is that these days, and tonight specifically I have the strongest urge to keep writing and writing. I feel there is so much on my mind and in my heart that I wanna let out and share...

Testiiing

2.. 4.. 6.. 8..