Flashbacks again

It's almost 4 am. I should be sleeping by now, but I wasn't able to, in spite of how tired I am. The whole story started playing in my head again as soon as I went to bed. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suspect a couple of things. Regardless of what the reason could be, I started getting all these flashbacks. Starting with that phone call that we thought would be about some joyful "Sham El Nessim" arrangements, only to find out it's for a totally different purpose. I remember everything as if it happened yesterday; the fear, the hope, not being able to celebrate the new life; being so scared about one we care deeply for. We spent long days and nights hoping and praying for the miracle to happen. Hope... that magical word that can somehow help you survive, but then you'll have to face the bitter truth at some point. Not that I don't believe in hope or miracles, no I do a LOT, but that was the Divine Decree in our case, to have her taken away. Little do we know what's the best for us and for our loved ones, so little indeed. We might be grieving for something that can be actually a blessing for the one(s) involved. But what can I say? Sometimes I just can't take acting all wise although I know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I naively just wish she could've still be among us, sharing the first of Ramadan with us, playing with her baby and cheering her parents up; I wish the sweet rose of the family would still be alive. It's killing m, and what's killing me more is being unable to do anything supportive. I wanted to be there badly on the 1st of Ramadan for support, but what did I do? I just sat there, I couldn't really do anything or think of anything to be done. I know there is so much pain inside below that smile, but there is nothing I can help in. I feel so helpless, so guilty, yet I'm clueless.

I guess it's time for me to go to bed. Mum just woke up and I don't want her to see me crying. I guess I have a rather long day tomorrow ISA, so I guess I should try to get some sleep.

Busy Busy Busy :(

It's been ages since my last post as I've been too busy recently. Busy busy busy.. I started hating that word from the bottom of my heart, even more than my friends have come to hate it, not to mention my family of course. I really don't know what's wrong with me!! I mean, it should be normal that people have jobs, and normal that they do a thing or two beside it, no big deal.. Then why am I on the verge of a nervouos breakdown? I want to feel that my time is MINE. I want to do the things I wanna do. I wanna have the time to call up my friends to say hello, to ask about relatives and find some time for Mum, to help her with the stuff she wants and have little chats with her. But I can't do any of that. Not to mention of course all the BLAME I'm getting. Thank GOD my friends seem to unerstand (well most of them). But family... My mum for example is putting so much pressure on me. She's asking me for simple stuff yes, but I always have a 10000 things to do when she asks for that stuff, besides, the things she asks for are never that critical and there's always someone else that can help her with them. Sometimes my commitments get too much for me to take and I miss my friends too much and I decide to take some time off and go out to see friends. I come home feeling relieved, refreshed and ready to go on with my responsibilities, but of course Mum has to remind me how I was able to find the time for my friends, but I can never find the time to help her. I know I owe her, I know I should be more co-operative, but usually when I decide to go out, that means I alreay have reached that point that if I go on one more step without refreshment I'll just breakdown. Conclusion: I dunno what to do...!