Sailing inside myself
Again again and again...
Still confused..
Still looking for an answer..
I thought I found it already..
I could see it in front of my eyes..
Just as I was trying to hold it, it slipped away..
With no trace for it anymore..
And they mystery lingers on..
I thought I found my true self..
It was hidden deep down inside, dreaming of coming out..
Although she came out for a sad reason, I was glad I got to meet her at the end..
The walls of the shell were starting to get thinner and thinner..
They even started becoming transparent to my eyes..
Just as I was about to embrace that newly found self..
Just as I was about to celebrate my newly discovered identity..
It all disappeared..
The shell started closing again..
Its walls got thicker and thicker..
The new self was begging me to hold on to her..
Was begging me to save her from the dungeon she'd been locked up in..
But I just wasn't able to..
I could see her falling back..
Falling into the sad silence..
Falling into the cruel darkness..
I can't see her anymore..
I can't even hear her voice..
I wonder if she's still there..
I wonder if she was ever there..
Was it for real or was it just a dream?..
Or may be just a mirage, trying to escape to it from the cold reality..
I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again..
I wonder if I'll ever get in touch with my core?..
Or was it just a one time chance that I failed to cling to..
Will the walls ever get thinner again?..
Will the shell ever get opened again?..
If so, would it be due to happiness or sadness?..
Which of them would be what reminds me I do have a heart?..
Would she get truely saved next time?..
Or would I fail again?..
Or won't I see her ever again?..
Would I spend the rest of my life feeling that numb?..
Was her fragile faint voice silenced forever?..
Would the walls only build up even more?..
Blinding me from seeing who I am.. forever?..
I hope not.. I hope I start feeling her existence again. Somehow I know she does, afterall, I couldn't have imagined all that.. Besides.. all the tears I've been shedding the past hour while writing this are telling me there still is a chance after all.. Got nothing but the hope this is for real..
posted by Katara at 3:23 AM
1 Comments:
!!!!!!
this is not the first time for me to be surprised by what u r writing, I feel u r speaking my mind!!!! so many times I found u r writing things I wanna say ..even using the same words......could this be a coincidence?
I totally feel every word u said, completely understand what u r going through...cause it's the same here
I know what's causing me this, and I think it might be the same reason for u.. it's because of unresolved conflicts , conflicts that started in the past and when u were about to solve them, suddenly everything fell apart again … while u were thinking it was the best way to resolve them , u were willing to change and open up to a new beginning, but sadly it didn't go the way it was supposed to be… so u felt u were wrong to change , and u want to return back to the old trusted ways, but in the process u "believed" in the new way…so it was hard to see it fail or end especially when it was only growing , very innocent and pure… so full of hopes and dreams… but because it was very fresh and young , it was very weak to resist or endure any tiny blowing breeze…not even a storm!!
The healing process is gonna take time, maybe long , maybe short… but I'm sure of one thing, once the surroundings are safe … the very inner core will find her way out again, cause she saw the light once.. so she can never forget what it felt, and will always want to go out again.. and another thing, the young gets older with time, so the weak, will get stronger .. especially after a bad experience, remember we're exposed to all these experiences for a reason, and it's always for our own good.. even if we don't realize it now.
Sorry for this long comment, but I was very moved by this post, and I was talking to u and reminding myself as well… wish u best of luck (F)
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