Confessions!!
I hereby confess that I am unrealistically.. unrealistic, that I'm foolishly dreamy in spite of how practical I might seem, that I find it so hard to face reality, so sometimes I just prefer living inside the dreams, those dreams in my head.
Dreaming of a Utopia, of a perfect world where eveyone is just so pure, where people keep their innocence, where everyone loves everybody around him no matter what, regardless of whatever differences that might exist; in ideas, beliefs, colors, nations or religions, or.. or.. whatever it could be, it wouldn't matter. I dream of having that kind of love eveywhere, just loving thy brothers and sisters that simple pure love, not waiting for anything to come out of it and just having it there unconditionally, truely caring for them and wishing them all the best of the best.
The only problem that exists is that the Utopia never existed and can never exist; except inside one's head. It is way too unrealistic to even imagine it happening because we live in a world of humans not angels. Although I am fully aware of that fact I never stop dreaming of it, just closing my eyes and imagining it happening. What's worse is that I actually get hurt whenever I get to face the real situation. Whenever I get faced by any person's negativity. Someone told me once she finds me really weird, because I never get upset due to the things that get most people upset, yet I get deeply hurt, upset and offended at the strangest things; referring to a situation where a group of people were spoken of negatively, although they were not my friends and that I have nothing to do with any of them, yet that got me really upset, in contrast to not even minding, or forgiving too easily for other things that people make such a big fuss about.
Sometimes I just feel I am too weak to face the cruel reality, that's why I just keep myself inside my shell and wear my mask. I give everything and everyone a rosy color in my eyes and see the best in people. Sometimes I even prefer to stay at a distance from people, to prevent myself from seeing their flaws to be able to keep my pure love for them inside my heart. In spite of the advantages of that approach; being able to love everyone around me and keeping my emotional energy quite high, yet it has tremendous drawbacks; basically I keep myself isolated inside my shell, I rarely try to get close to people in fear of getting hurt by them. Strangely enough here, that 'hurt' is not caused by the normal things like ill treatment or not caring.. or.. or, but caused by getting faced by their negativity. I get offended when I see somebody's negativity towards someone I don't know, hurt when I see somebody's negativity towards a friend, so it's for you to imagine how it feels to see somebody's negativity towards me. It just passes the natural limits of hurt, it's like taking a knife and stabbing my heart with it, cutting through with it to the deepest levels and tearing it apart. That's why I hate confrontations so much, probably I'm just too weak for them.
So what am I to do now? I just have no clue! Being on the doorsteps of stepping out of 'fantasy island' where there was actually a chance of finding pure people, and a chance that the rosy image inside my head of some people is not too far from the truth. I am about to go into the real world. Keeping that same attitude could get me fooled a thousand times, hurt even more and might just lead me to my doom.. yet I'm just.. clueless!
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