Flashbacks again

It's almost 4 am. I should be sleeping by now, but I wasn't able to, in spite of how tired I am. The whole story started playing in my head again as soon as I went to bed. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I suspect a couple of things. Regardless of what the reason could be, I started getting all these flashbacks. Starting with that phone call that we thought would be about some joyful "Sham El Nessim" arrangements, only to find out it's for a totally different purpose. I remember everything as if it happened yesterday; the fear, the hope, not being able to celebrate the new life; being so scared about one we care deeply for. We spent long days and nights hoping and praying for the miracle to happen. Hope... that magical word that can somehow help you survive, but then you'll have to face the bitter truth at some point. Not that I don't believe in hope or miracles, no I do a LOT, but that was the Divine Decree in our case, to have her taken away. Little do we know what's the best for us and for our loved ones, so little indeed. We might be grieving for something that can be actually a blessing for the one(s) involved. But what can I say? Sometimes I just can't take acting all wise although I know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes I naively just wish she could've still be among us, sharing the first of Ramadan with us, playing with her baby and cheering her parents up; I wish the sweet rose of the family would still be alive. It's killing m, and what's killing me more is being unable to do anything supportive. I wanted to be there badly on the 1st of Ramadan for support, but what did I do? I just sat there, I couldn't really do anything or think of anything to be done. I know there is so much pain inside below that smile, but there is nothing I can help in. I feel so helpless, so guilty, yet I'm clueless.

I guess it's time for me to go to bed. Mum just woke up and I don't want her to see me crying. I guess I have a rather long day tomorrow ISA, so I guess I should try to get some sleep.