Sleepless...

Sleep wouldn't come easily to me yesterday. I was too bored, came online to read more movie quotes, chatted a bit with Bareek Amal. By the time I got up it was a little after dawn. The morning light was finding its was through. I looked out of the window admiring the scene. At the very far end of the horizon stands the Mokattam hill. The street lights look so beautiful from afar. Like precious gems scattered along the horizon. Little white and orange twinkling lights, like stars shining through the milky way. I also imagined them like waves in the ocean (don't ask :P , everything 3andy takes them form of water sooner or later it seems lol). I stood there filling my chest with the morning fresh air. The birds were singing as they were starting their day... and with that I go to bed :D I try again to sleep but in vain. Thoughts are rushing through my head, trying to assess the whole past year. I feel it is truely time for a change. I can't go on like this for I don't know how long. K. once told me it's not the right way to start a change in oneself aggressively. Like telling myself.. I want to be like that (inside), then force the change upon oneself. Thinking about it, was that what I'm trying to do here? I guess not. I mean I wasn't trying to force an external change, I was merely trying to free who I am inside. I didn't even force it. I only started putting the idea in head. I do not quite know what happened after that. One wave hit me, I lost my balance and that was it. I lost count of it all. It was the catalyst that moved the whole reaction on fast forward. It's a positive thing to have a catalyst in one's life that would accelerate transformations that might take ages otherwise, but no, not a sad catalyst. I made many things linked to her, to the memory of her. Everything that happened during that period. The connections and disconnections. They have become so sacred to me, all for the memory of her. But nothing in this world is permanent. No, neither the chain reaction that was initiated back then. And I have to let go, let loose. "Expect poison from the standing water" they say. No I don't want poison in there. Purity is the one good thing I was glad to have. I cherish it and want to hold on to it no matter what. Even if it means sending all the water away. It all came too soon. Everything has a place and time, and now was simply not the time. Go back to sleep, precious one. It's not as cold as it used to be, don't fret.