I don't know how to fake it

I never know how to do anything from 'behind my heart' as we say in Arabic. I don't know how to pretend. The best I can do is hide my feelings of care or being touched, but never the opposite, never pretend the existence of feelings that are not there, or acting like they exist. I like things natural, spontaneous, coming right out of the heart, warm and sincere. Otherwise it'd be meaningless and tasteless.

I can't pretend anymore that thread is still there, intact. It had been cut and I don't know if it's possible, or if it'd do anyone any good to get it back the way it used to be. It got thinner and thinner every day. I am not free from blame for it getting thinner. I was not a good friend. I did not stand there the way you needed, the time you needed me. But I didn't quite understand you. Let's just say that things work in totally different ways inside both of us. That's why I wasn't able to get it. You never ever were able to get it just as well. You never understood me. Whenever I needed your support, all I found was sarcasm for my so assumed 'stone-heartedness' and whatever stuff you found worth making fun of.

I have met other people who have helped me understand myself better than that. For the first time I was able to reach down and understand the real me. I have quite understood them so well too. I have been able to connect to them and understand how they feel. That kind of mutual understanding has increased the functioning of some 'caring' and 'giving' glands in there. It has made me feel secure enough to show that kind of care. It has made a better person out of me. Thank you my friends.

I really don't know what to say, but I don't deserve the labels you still stick to me. You took the scissors and made the final cut. It cut right through me, and with that cut into pieces that thread and the labels. I just don't feel it anymore. I wonder if you still do, or is it just out of duty or habit?!

I think that post was just plain cruel. I had to let it out though, knowing I can never really communicate any of that to whom it might concern.